“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings.” 

~Hodding Carter, Jr.

One of the most rewarding and challenging experiences we can have in our lifetime is raising children. Not only is it a time that we can impart our life-wisdom onto them, but they also become our greatest teachers. Through the lives and growth of our children, we learn and grow.

Over the years, I’ve had the humble pleasure of talking to and counseling many parents and their children. The following is what I know to be true about how you make a difference in the life of your child.

Your children need your love and attention. Now I know this may sound like common sense, but I want to stress this because we, as parents get caught up in our own day-to-day lives of work, outside stressors and our own issues. We know we love our children and we think because we live in the same house, we pay the bills and we have the title of Dad or Mom, the kids automatically know we love them too. The way a child knows and feels that he/she is loved is by you giving them your time and your attention. Now that’s very easy when the children are behaving, but it becomes even more important when your children are challenging.  This is when unconditional love is shown. These are the moments your children will remember. Children just want to be loved, heard and know that they matter, so tell your children you love them every day, listen to what they have to say and show them they are important to you.

Each child has his/her own path to follow. All of us have dreams for our children…what we would like to see them accomplish, the type of person we want them to settle down with, etc. The reality is, my dear parents, those are our dreams, not our children’s dreams. Each and every living soul has their own journey to follow and your child’s dreams, desires and wishes may be vastly different than yours. That does not mean either of you are wrong. You’re just different. Learn to embrace and encourage your child’s individual path. Allow them a safe space to be their true self and by doing this, you will nurture their self- esteem and give them permission to stand strong in who they are.

Your children have unlimited potential. There are plenty of people out there that will try and tell your children who they can or cannot become. Society will try and put your child in a box by saying because you look like this, or you come from this place, there are only so many things you can do in this life. Don’t be one of those people. Let your children know they have unlimited potential. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, all that matters is where you’re going. Parents, please give your children the permission to see beyond their experiences and know that the world is their playground and they can create whatever life they choose. Let your children know they have your support and guide them to follow their inner compass that will lead them to their biggest dreams.

You are your child’s teacher, whether you choose to be or not. Everything you do has significance and your children are watching your every move. They are watching, listening and internalizing how you solve problems, how you interact with others, your work ethic, everything you do. As your children get older, they may not do things exactly as you did, but they have internalized your pattern and made it their own. I’ve spoken with too many young men who have said they would not live past their 25th birthday. Somewhere in their young lives, this has been the example set for them which they have come to believe as their reality. It is not enough to talk about the right thing to do. Your children follow by example, so be a model for them that is physically and emotionally healthy, inspiring and loving. Now I know it’s tough to compete with all the other information our kids are receiving from their friends and in the media. However, if you can consistently affirm and show your children that they are important, their potential is unlimited, they have a purpose on this planet and they are unconditionally loved, this is what they will remember. Those are the seeds that will become rooted and grow in your child’s life. 

Parents, your home is the ultimate classroom. What are you teaching?

Susan Thomas, Master Certified Coach, www.thesoulutioncoach.com                                   
Have a challenging life question? Email me at [email protected].

One of the challenges we face in this world is having a loving and lasting relationship with another person. Because we are all so very different and we come with all of our issues and quirks, getting to know another person and forming a long-term relationship takes patience and a commitment to see things through. It’s very easy to give up when things get tough, but if you are committed to your relationship, here are five tips that will help you achieve the lifelong relationship you desire.

1.       Listen more, talk less.   We were given two ears and one mouth for a reason. One of the best ways to show your partner they are important is simply by listening to them. That means taking the time to give them your full attention. Turn away from the television (or better yet, turn it off) or stop doing whatever you’re doing for a few minutes while your partner is talking about his or her day. Your partner will appreciate you for it and your relationship will be better for it as well. 

2.       Stay in a place of gratitude. So many times, when we share things about our partner with our friends, it’s usually the things that irritate us or something they have done wrong.  If you continue to do that, eventually all you will see and come to expect from your partner are negative things. Instead of complaining to your friends about your partner, tell your friends what you love about them. Then, share with your partner what you appreciate about him/her. Tell them 2-3 reasons why you are grateful that they are a part of your life. Begin to make this a daily routine and watch your relationship blossom. 

3.       Do not make assumptions. We go into relationships with expectations. We expect our partner to know how to treat us and when they do not live up to that expectation, we get angry with them. What’s happening is we are making an assumption that our partner knows exactly what we need from them at all times. Well they don’t. It’s important that we let our partner know what we desire.  Also, if you’re unsure about something your partner has done or said, instead of assuming, ask. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the why’s behind some of your partner’s behaviors and in order to save your sanity, just ask.  Please note, however, that you cannot change anyone but yourself, so don’t waste your time trying to make your partner into someone else. Besides, if you truly love him/her why would you want them to be someone else anyway?

4.       Choose love and peace when conflicts arise. Conflicts are inevitable in relationships. First, choose your battles wisely. The small things are rarely worth fighting over. Second, if there is conflict, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Most of the time, conflicts come from miscommunication. We think our partner said or meant one thing when in fact, they meant something totally different. So instead of focusing on being right, focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. Finally, be the first to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean you’re condoning your partner’s behavior. It means you’re freeing yourself from the anger by being willing to let go and move on, and that takes courage.

5.       Be honest with your partner and yourself. A relationship cannot thrive without honesty. It is one of the vital foundations on which great relationships are built.  Let your partner know your likes and your dislikes and keep in mind that honesty should begin at the onset of the relationship. People tend to put their best foot forward in the beginning and may not show their true selves. This tactic may, unfortunately weave a web of deception throughout the relationship. It takes more effort to be who you are not versus who you truly are. Also we must be honest with ourselves in our relationships by making sure we love who is in front of us and not who they have the potential to be.

A beautiful, long-lasting relationship is something anyone can have so long as you are committed to honesty, to love and simply treating your partner the way you want to be treated. If you follow these tips and choose love every step of the way, you will gain more peace, joy and longevity in your relationship than you could ever imagine.

Susan Thomas, Master Certified Coach, www.thesoulutioncoach.com
Have a challenging life question? Email me at [email protected].